Friday, December 30, 2016

#18 Is it me?

I'm glad you are just doing fine without me. I wish I could tell you how bad I wanted to talk & chat with you, but I know I'm not welcome to do so.

And so, I decided to respect your decision.

Is it me that you are referring to?
Is it me?

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

#17 I am hurt

I am hurt.
I hurt her!
Yes, she was hurt by me. Not the other way round.

I am so sorry that I thought I was the one who hurt by your action.
I am so sorry that I dare to believe that I was the victim.
I am so sorry for the things I was not sure when and where things got wrong & we keep hurting each other without knowing both of us have had enough.
I am sorry to tell you that i wanted to stop this sooner but I could not managed to do so by myself because I was coward. Yeah called me coward and I will accept it.

I hate silence treatment the most & yet I'm practicing it to others as well!
Poor me little girl who cant express myself...
Deep sigh... :(

Hoping for a better day & better relationship.

Forgive me as i need it the most.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

#16 Persistence

"Don't give up"
"Dont stop. You are about to finish it."
"Dah separuh jalan dah tu"
"Good luck & all the best!"
"You can do it"
"Normal la repeat tu"
"How u doing? Hard meh?"

So many kind people out there. So many supporters out there.

You are not alone!

Continue walking & u'll somewhat reach the finish line.

It is just a matter of time.

Head up Fizah! InsyaaAllah you can do it!

Fighting!!! :)

Friday, September 16, 2016

#15 girlfriend wedding


Tahniah my girl!
Its your big day!
U look so gorgeous today. Extremely gorgeous! :)

This was my third time being a bridesmaid to my girlfriends & I was happy to serve them during their big days!

Congrats buddy :)
May u have a great marriage life ahead :)


I have something in my mind today, so let's talk about it.

Some people tend to not understand what am I saying or explaining to them. Even if I already repeating my words few times! I feel bad. Really bad. When people can't understand my explanation. -_-

I have the tendency of constructing my words in my head in such a way that I thought it would be easier for others to understand it. Thus, I felt real bad when people don't get it.

I know I couldn't make all people understand mine because we are all unique in our own ways.

I tend to be in silence mode when i feel bad nowadays. I will keep my mouth shut. Better than I said something that might hurt others, especially the ones I love.

Thus, if u caught me being silence out of blue, just be there & don't bother me until I get over my bad feeling. It will took me for a while, but all will be good after that insyaaallah.
It is just a part of my new habit.
Hope u don't mind it.
Sorry & thanks.

Fi hifzillah & take care :)

Saturday, August 13, 2016

#13 Throwback

I wrote this on Sabtu, 9/1/16...cant remember what has happened back in that day till i wrote this in my email.

I lost myself again today.
Just 9days of 2016, I think I lost myself.

What a bad day for me..
Idk how to express myself, my frustration..I felt like my confidence is sinking day by days.
I feel like i'm alone here, helpless & lalang!
I feel like all this while I have been dependence on others too much than I supposed to be.
I don't have my confidence in expressing my thought, my feeling, my opinion etc
Seriously I am not sure the reason.
I think I knew but I am not sure..see me myself also helpless.

I try not to depend on others as I have this kind of feeling that my closer buddy are not accepting my childish, my bad side, already. I feel like i dont have anyone behind me anymore.
Maybe bcoz I kept this feeling for so long. I think I was left behind, they are matured and they don't want to listen to this petty things anymore.

Oh Allah...
I feel like crying
I feel so scared
I feel so humiliated
I feel so bad

Forgive me ya Allah
Forgive all my bad deeds, bad mind,bad mouth,bad things I have done.
Forgive me ya that I will have the strength to fight this back, surely with the strength of Yours.
Forgive me ya Allah
So that I can start all over again
Make me forget & forgive my past that will hold me back for my better future.
Forgive me ya Allah..grant me your blessing & your strength..

Give me a good rest tonight, so that I will be able to wake up as a better person. Life is too short for me to waste it.
Help me being a better me all the way Ya Allah.

Assalamualaikum dunia

Friday, May 13, 2016

#12 Abah

I haven't called Abah yet for this whole week and when I made a called,
"Abah kat rumah. Kaki bengkak dah 3-4  hari. Gout kot.."

Oh my God.
I felt bad. Not knowing it from beginning because I didn't called him like I usually do.
Too occupied with my laziness lately -_-

Abah, I pray for your fast recovery. I pray that you would agreed to mom and go to hospital for further check up.

"Bengkak besaq kepala ecah" -__-

#11 I'm not doing enough

I thought I have given all my best.
I thought I have worked harder.
Reality hit. Deng!
No, I am not doing enough.

I am sad with myself.
I am ashamed of myself.
Yet, nothing much i do since then.

Oh Allah..forgive myself.
Help me being better. I don't want to be a loser at the end of the day.
Guide me through, hold me tight, and lend me Your strength.

I want to be better!
I can be better than this!

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

#10 Am I that weak?

Am I that weak?

Why do I feel like giving up lately?
Few time in just a couple of days..
Oh man..what happened to me?

Am I that weak?

Fail twice, lets get back double!

Fight your MALAS!

Not for others, but for your own good.

My dear, fight this war to the fullest. Show the world what you got. Show them what you can do.


You are not that weak!

Sunday, April 3, 2016

#9 Glasses

I think I need a new glasses.
I think my glasses power has increased, which means my vision is poorer. Sobs!

Oh ya! I forgot to update..
If I got myself a new glasses, this would remarks the third glasses since I left you unattended Shah:

2013-1 (during internship at sg.petani)
2014-1 (lost it, sleepwalking)
2016- most probably 1 (new power)

Hopefully, scholarship coming in early!
I really need a new pair of glasses!

#8 Bae wedding

3 April 2016
Bridesmaid on duty yo!
This is my second time being a bridesmaid to my bestfriends. First experienced was in May 2014, Afiqa's wedding.

First time I wore a kurung modern! Haha.. Well, unfashionable is me!
Alright, I would say I love that baju kurung because it is comfortable to wear, not tight but still have the cutting though.
Another good point is, people said I look thinner and taller! Thanks for the magic kurung modern! Hahaha :)

Back to the wedding.
The wedding was so nice despite of super hot weather.
The brides and the grooms (2 couples) were so beautiful and they looks good together!
There were lots of food too!
Many friends attended the wedding.
In one word, "meriah!"

Congrats Jiha and husband. May you both cherish each other till jannah and have a great marriage life ahead!

Overall, another happy day for me!

Friday, March 18, 2016

#7 inappropriate meeting

What an inappropriate timing just happened today..?

I was doing my laundry when suddenly Nasi Lemak invade my mind!
So, why not! Got into my jeans and 'brooomm' to the NL stall! Happy me :)

Then, came in the idea of having nescaffe ice with NL. So..yeah to Keningau then! I parked my motorcycle and about to cross the road. Suddenly a girl stopped me and wanted to chit chat. Alright, sure.

"We are from Nutrious Club. We are here to educate people about health, about having healthy lifestyle."
(Oookkk, my NL were there and she talked about healthy meal..hmmm)

Then she invited me to go to their office for a while. I didn't want to go but she insisted!

Climb up the stairs and I saw a group of people are talking in a circle like 'usrah'. Laughing etc. Oh man! I died!

So straight to the point, I said I wanted to go back as I had to go to somewhere. A receptionist made me registered my attendance then asked me politely to stay just for a while. That girl went to somewhere and out of sudden she brought with her a glass of nutrient water (so called *_*).

I asked her, " are you guys using some kind of product or practice natural way?" Because I could saw most of them were holding variety color of 'nutrious drink'!

She said no right in front of my eyes while holding that 'nutrious drink'!

I hate people lying to me. I pissed off. I excused myself and just walked away!

Huh! What an inappropriate meeting laaaa..haih

Thursday, March 17, 2016

#6 Where should I start?

Dear Shah,

I'm writing this to inform you that i'm half way to complete our dream. It has been almost 3 months since this semester begin. I will be taking paper P2 & P3 for this coming June examination.

Honestly, i'm still loss. I'm yet to find the right motivation and the right move. Puzzled!

Lately, I always wanted to start study hard as I could not afford to fail these papers. But I always end up staring at the books and notes without knowing what should I do first. Where should I start? How to do it? Is this the most effective ways of doing it?

However...end up I went to sleep with frustration of not knowing where to start and all I did was nothing! Oh man! Poor me :(

It is not my intention to make you down. I'm just wanted to express it to you and I hope I will do better after this.

I got to meet another lecturer who likes to provoke students to work harder. I thought I got a strict lecturer, somehow Allah gives me another stricter one this week. Huhu. May Allah send him to teach and show us the right way of understanding this subject and guide us to pass this paper. Amin.

Pray for yourself and pray for me too!
We can do it!

Sunday, March 13, 2016

#5 Vs

My friend, Liyana, and I were crying at the Kuala Perlis Bus station because the bus that was supposed to pick up us had left us unattended and refused to take any responsibility on that incident.
We had to buy a new ticket and we were framed by 'ulat tiket'. The bus was way late, entered almost every bus station along the way, and the drivers were totally 'makan angin'!
We had an exam tomorrow morning and we arrived Seremban past midnight!
She cried.
I cried.

12 March 2016
Supposedly, my bus was scheduled at 4.30pm. Bus was not coming and they scheduled me to 5.30pm bus. Alright, no problem because I still can arrived Shah Alam before 12a.m.
At 5.20pm, bus was not coming also. The bus company asked the kakak counter to refund my money.She didn't refund my money. Instead she changed my ticket to another bus operator and the bus is at 7.45pm. Oh my God, I'll arrive shah Alam past midnight! And I was alone this time!
I told myself, there was nothing i could do. I told my mom and asked her to pray for my safety. She did. I did. My sister did. And my friends also did.
7.45pm, no bus coming in. I saw there were few passengers held the same ticket as mine. Phewww. Bus was late again but confirmed.The bus finally arrived at 8.30p.m.

Bus was late again but I was thankful this time!
And also thanks aunty who sent me straight to my hostel at 3a.m. May Allah blessed your kindness.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

#4 Masih yang dulu

"Apesal ko nak balik cepat sangat ah?"
"Tak boleh tunggu Khamis pagi ke?"

Tak. Tak boleh tunggu. Huhuhu ^___^

Kenapa nak kena tunggu? Nak balik rumah kottt ..! Mesti la balik secepat yang mungkin..

Bab-bab nak balik rumah, tak pernah berubah. InsyaaAllah tak akan berubah.

Aku masih aku yang dulu.
Yang menghitung hari nak balik rumah bermula dari saat beli tiket lagi.
Walau sudah lain suasana rumah..walau sudah tidak seramai dahulu..hatta sunyi sekalipun, berada di rumah tenang nya lain macam.
Tenteram nya hati dapat jumpa Mak & Abah setiap hari.
Rasa selamat.

Entah sampai bila dapat peluang macam ni..hargai ketika masih dipinjamkan waktu oleh Allah..wallahua'lam :)

Monday, February 29, 2016

#3 First time I knew u

It was back in 1996 when I first time heard about u and came to know about u.

Ever since that moment, I started to think about u and started to count how many time probably I will be able to meet u in near future.

Hahaha..Innocent side of me at that time :)

Alhamdulillah, this year remarks our 6 meetings all and I hope to meet u again in another 4 years time..

Good night 29 February.
Rest well.
Till we meet again in 2020 :)

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

#2 Thank you

Ila, you are definitely more than a cousin to me. We used to argued a lot last time and openly hurt each other feelings. But we have no regret looking back at those time caused no matter how big the fights were, when we woke up next day we eventually reconciled the fights.
How do we reconciled? Thruthfuly, I have no idea. It was happened to be like tadaaaa and we started fresh everyday :)
I missed those days so much!

I wish to thank you for bought me the flight tickets. It really means a lot to me.
Thank you.
Semoga Allah murahkan rezeki ang. Amin :)

Saturday, February 6, 2016

#1 Assalamualaikum shah

Almost 3 years I was away from u.
Now that I come back, I wish to be here with u more often.
I owed u those 3 years stories. I will update u again soon :)